"my eulogies elegize me" (first draft on burnout)

 icarus of fearless flight -

the earth is 71% water and yet i crashed on unruly land. 

there is poetry in this. if i look hard enough, i know there will be poetry in this. if i read between the lines i could make metaphors out of this, i could weave the threads of my tragedy to sing, and i could and i could i could. 

you repeat a word long enough, it starts losing meaning. as the wind betrayed me yet again, that's the first thing i learnt. 

the thing about the crash is, you think you know how to do it. ive spent years on highs and lows - and i know how to build a nest as the crash approaches, i know how to cradle it and to soothe it before the spikes unfurl. its bloody, a dying star that mirrors your heart. but the crash eventually wins. 

i thought i knew how to crash. but as i felt it (in the back of my head, the oppressive wall, the insides of my skull crying in pain) i realized how stupid i had been. 

icarus crashed to the sea. the monsters of the sea probably took him for one of their own. icarus crashed to the sea, he flew and he sank and he died. 

so it seems impossible to me, wingless that i am - crashing onto loud, unruly terrain be asked to keep going anyways. i hoped for the sea - the treacherous, beautiful sea and was given the earth instead, with nothing to my name but the false promises of a glorious future if only

i try harder. 

all my life, all i have done is to try, and in trying i have become a caricature of myself