who's a heretic now (am i making sense now?)

We are not born to die. 

    I have contemplated my life multiple times, running its course through my head like trial-and-error. Of course we are not born to die. We are born for a reason, a higher purpose that echoes within our being, a reason that remains when ‘the flood washes away all that was’. There is always the eventual end but there is also the perpetual purgatory, and the tantalizing thought of how this cannot be all there is. Maybe that's the beauty of cautionary tales - you are blessed a life of mundanity but you would rather die than to be invisible; you would rather be a warning rather than to live in regret.

    I suppose I could say the fire was a mere consequence of my existence. Of all the things I was condemned of being, arsonist is the only one I wear with resignation - it is my crown and it is my throne but it is drenched with my own blood. 

    I lived my life anticipating the crash and the burn because I was born of icarian dreams. 

    Icarus of fearless flight. It made it seem like a good thing, almost. To challenge the gods was fine because in your doomed quest you have found your purpose - you have died, you have found true reason for your inane existence – and you have seen hell above before falling into heaven underwater. 

     (They do not know of Icarus.) 

    I do not tell them how I relished the heat of the wax that dripped from my wings as I flew higher; that I laughed when I felt myself unsteady. The warnings of my father rang inside my head, and I chose to fly higher to drown them out. Apollo watches me – I cannot tell whether it is with amusement or agony. I was in love with him. He does not understand. They call my fall a cautionary tale and they speak of my name with pity but they do not tell of the monsters of the sea that embraced me as I drowned. I yearned to taunt the gods – to fly ever higher and fall even harsher. Heaven held no appeal. I wanted to be consumed by the flames of my own making.

 - (edited) snippet from an ongoing book I will write forever and never publish #1

(05/03/2024)

1. I feel this is a sombre note to start my first official blog post with. In full transparency, I have another post queued up and ready to go but that cannot go up yet because it is not yet perfect. It would be a grave injustice to not convey emotion properly when the blog in itself is titled 'something visceral'. 

2. The title is a lyric from which witch by florence + the machine. 

3. Final afterthought - I am not an arsonist.